Zombies Don't Surf... therefore you should

Surfers Will have An Advantage During The Zombie Apocalypse...

Art by Jonathan Cooke

10 days after getting a good sunburn on the back of my legs from surfing for three straight hours, my legs finally started to peel. For some reason while looking at the big flakes of skin trying to fall off the back my legs I was instantly reminded of zombies and that is how this whole thing got started for me. Zombies, zombies and more zombies. There are many great Zombie topics floating around the internet these days like what does a vegan zombie eat? My guess is that a vegan zombie would probably eat other (non-zombie) vegans or heads of lettuce. Either way I would probably turn down a dinner invitation from a vegan zombie just in case I was wrong. I might however meet up with a zombie on the beach to go surfing as long as I have a head start. I believe being a surfer has its advantages against Zombie attacks. 

For those people that might not know much about zombies this should help bring you up to speed. Based on an extensive study of the modern zombie’s evolution over the past half century and on countless interviews with zombie fans and scholars across the globe, here is the definition of the modern zombie: The modern zombie is a relentlessly aggressive, reanimated human corpse driven by a biological infection. 

My top three favorite Zombie Movies: (1) Shaun of the Dead, (2) Fido and (3) Aaah! Zombies!!

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There is some debate out there on how the zombie biological infection can be spread. The most common way the infection is spread is by getting bit by a zombie or by having zombie blood splattered on one of your warm wet mucus membranes (eyes, ears, nose, throat ect). There are possibly two other ways that could spread the infection; (1) mosquito bites a human that was just bitten by a zombie and carries the virus (like malaria), (2) Fleas & ticks bites a human that was just bitten by a zombie and carries the virus (like the spread of the Black Death plague by Oriental rat fleas living on black rats). 

A lot of people agree that in the event of a zombie apocalypse the best strategy is to head to open water, because zombies don't swim. That’s not so say you won’t find a smart zombies out there with a pair of floaties , water-wings or maybe even an inflatable inner-tube.  Everyone knows zombies are slow and uncoordinated. I can speculate that a zombie trying to swim past breaking waves would take a lot of effort and would be pretty funny to watch from a safe distance.  So I recommend grabbing a longboard or an SUP and heading out to the surf zone, preferably in deeper water like the Californian coast instead of the shallow waters off the coast of Florida. I would not recommend getting aboard a cruise ship as there are too many places for a zombie to hide. Best case scenario would be to have a surf adventure charter boat or a good size yacht with fishing gear, fresh water and supplies. That way you could travel around to the safest areas, still go surfing and have a way to get more food.

I know what you’re thinking, “What about sharks? What if a shark ate the zombie that was trying to swim after me on my way to a boat, would the shark become a zombie shark?”  It is very unlikely that a disease that affects humans (turn humans into zombies) could be passed on to a fish. I believe sharks will become mans new best ocean friend. Sharks could and probably would eat all the coastal zombies lost in the shore breaks. There is also the add bonus that you won’t have to actually kill any zombies. Or at least the number of zombies that you would have to kill would be reduced with the help of sharks and thus limiting the after effects of your zombie killing spree moral hangover.

Here’s a cool zombie shark poster print by Jeff Proctor for Lucio Fulci’s classic ZOMBIE 2 film

All surfers know that sharks are somewhat dangerous. A great white can be 25 feet long and could take a single bite out of any of us and leave the right next second knowing that we aren't really a fish or a seal, but who knows maybe zombies will taste better to them. Hypothetically what would happen if a shark actually became a zombie shark? My guess is the zombie shark would be a very bad swimmer and would drown or sink to the bottom of the sea from the lack movement required to stay upright swimming. Yes a fully functional zombie shark with all its appropriate parts might swim ok, but a zombie shark is a reanimated shark corpse. If the zombie shark was missing a fin or its tail then it would not be able to swim. Crabs and hagfish would then continue to eat the shark whenever the opportunity would arise until the shark was decomposed enough to not be able to wiggle away from being eaten to death (absolute death this time). Chances are the zombie shark species would not last longer than a few weeks.

Here's some more Zombie information that may keep you even safer.... Good Luck!


The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead

The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead

The Zombie Survival Guide is your key to survival against the hordes of undead who may be stalking you right now. Fully illustrated and exhaustively comprehensive, this book covers everything you need to know, including how to understand zombie physiology and behavior, the most effective defense tactics and weaponry, ways to outfit your home for a long siege, and how to survive and adapt in any territory or terrain.

Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack
1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

Don’t be carefree and foolish with your most precious asset—life. This book is your key to survival against the hordes of undead who may be stalking you right now without your even knowing it. The Zombie Survival Guide offers complete protection through trusted, proven tips for safeguarding yourself and your loved ones against the living dead. It is a book that can save your life. You can get a copy at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1400049628/ref=as_li_tf_til?tag=capitaldefini-20&camp=0&creative=0&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=1400049628&adid=1MYFCK5Z620SD094A06T

5 Popular Zombie Survival Tactics (That Will Also Get You Killed)

Cracked.com recently posted an entertaining article, 5 Popular Zombie Survival Tactics (That Will Also Get You Killed), that outlines several common mistakes people make when developing their zombie survival plan.  Unfortunately, the author only points out doomed strategies, probably a pessimist. So here is some commentary on each of the five Cracked points, along with possible solutions to the problems that I found to be very helpful:

5) RAID A GUN STORE, AND GET KILLED
The dangers of running to your nearest big box store when the zombies come have been well documented.  ZRS Survival Expert, Apocalypse Dan suggest that you not go out at all in the initial days of panic.  Stay home and stay safe.  Everyone is going to be looking to grab whatever supplies they can, clogging up the streets and parking lots, and killing each other over nothing.  The risk of getting shot, infected, followed home, or return to find your house looted or burned down is too great to make the potential benefit worthwhile.  Once the initial chaos passes, you can scavenge in relative safety (for Dan’s full article see: Loot Smart, or Loot Dead).

4) GET OUT OF TOWN, AND INTO A TRAFFIC JAM
True, at the first sign of zombies you don’t want to join the millions of other people who are desperately trying to head out-of-town.  The roads will be a clogged deathtrap in every direction, but staying put in a populated area is just as deadly in the long term (see: Dont’ Be A People Person).  What’s the solution?  Borrowing from the previous section, in the initial days of panic, stay home and stay safe.  The roads will soon clear up, as travelers either get away from urban areas, or die trying.  Your freedom of movement will be greatly increased after the initial wave of hysteria passes.

3) FORTIFY YOUR BASE, AND GET TRAPPED INSIDE
When building a defensive structure the last thing you want to do is accidentally create a tomb (see: Your Zombie Shelter a Death Trap?), but I don’t agree with the suggestion by Cracked that ANY fortified position is doomed to fail.  The reality of a dead world is that eventually all pre-collapse food will either be consumed or spoil, making a nomadic, scavenging life impossible.  A regular water source, planted crops, and domesticated livestock will become essential, and safe shelter to protect you and your possessions from the undead and living threats is crucial.

2) USE MELEE WEAPONS, AND GET INFECTED
The problem of deadly zombie blood spatter when using melee weapons is very real, but not something that can’t be addressed by wearing protective gear (see: More Dumb Zombie Survivalists).  Additionally, there are a wide range of weapons to consider, each with different advantages and disadvantages.  The fact is that less than 15% of the US population owns firearms, and the percentage is much lower in most other countries.  When the dead rise, most people will need to use some sort of edged or blunt object to defend themselves (for more see: Best Zombie Defense Weapon).

1) ALWAYS AIM FOR THE HEAD, AND DIE TRYING
Though it’s widely accepted that zombies are killed by destroying the brain, that doesn’t mean that they can’t suffer substantial damage from wounds suffered in other parts of the body.  This point is well made in the Crackled post.  A zombie with its kneecaps shattered may still want to eat you, but it’s probably not going to represent a credible threat dragging itself across the ground.  Research also suggests that aiming for a zombies chest, back and neck could prove as effective as a head shot (see: The Theory of Zombie Paralysis).

Why Prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse?

Posted on May 27, 2011 by Ryoga-kun

Some people ask me why I prepare for a zombie apocalypse. Logically they seem right. What are the odds that a zombie apocalypse really will happen? And as a man who is not entirely insane, I will concede that there isn’t a very big chance at all.

However, preparing for a zombie apocalypse means that you are ready for the total package.

Food, Water and Essentials
You will have prepared the most basic requirements for surviving during any disaster. Food, water, lamp, knife, etc. You will be good to go.

Chemical and Biological Threats
Say you invested in protecting yourself from a possible “zombie virus.” As a result, you are now protected from most virus attacks, be it an epidemic, or a deliberate attack.

Refuge in Water
According to intel, zombies don’t do well in water. Apparently they cannot swim. So why not invest in an inflatable boat? You could tie it to something with some 550 cord and sleep the night in the middle of a deep river (tying your boat to say a bridge pillar) would give you a good night’s sleep that your land bound counterparts would have no chance enjoying. Incidentally, a rubber boat might come in handy during a flood.

Seeking Shelter on the Roof
You might design your emergency kit around the roof of a building you are normally in or near. Say your apartment building or your office building. You are not only prepared to defend yourself in a commanding position during a zombie onslaught, but you are also prepared to deal with a Tsunami if you happen to live in an urban environment.

Staying Mobile
According to intel, zombies move fairly slowly, but the mass of their attacks make escape very difficult. So staying mobile is one consideration. During any emergency however, cars will not be an option. Every bit of highway will be clogged and the place will turn into a parking lot. I know it, you know it. So what other options are there? Everything you need to survive will have to fit on your back and you will have to be fit enough to ruck march it over long distances. Getting into this sort of shape will give you the ability to flee town faster and more effectively than those who have decided to rely on cars, and evacuations can happen for any number of reasons!

Weapons

If you’re thinking of surviving a zombie apocalypse unarmed, your odds are not very good. Being armed well enough for a zombie apocalypse, means that you’re probably armed well enough to deal with most human threats as well. Your logistics will also be practical. You’ll pack one weapon and lots of ammunition for it.

So before you laugh at your friends who prepare for a zombie apocalypse, remember that they are prepared virtually for any sort of disaster and you’re not. If the feces hits the budget cooling system, the joke is on you.